Alone

I live alone, but I am not lonely.

I don't look around and constantly desire the presence of another person. If I really want company, I only have to sit on my couch for about five minutes, and then not only does my dog lay next to me, but my cat does her best to sit in the most awkward (for me) spot so that I will be forced to pet her.

I don't wake up and have to crawl over, or around someone else in my queen sized bed. I don't have an argument over spending money with someone, or worry about someone else's family.

Because I live alone.

I can walk around my apartment half dressed or completely naked. I can sit and watch the sun rise with my shades open in my living room. I can sleep with all the covers and starfish out on my huge bed.

And I don't have to worry about someone else who lives with me.

I don't worry that the leftovers I brought home last night will still be there in the morning. I can lock my door completely and not worry about when someone else will be home.

I can drink the last of the juice in my fridge, or eat the last of something. I can take an hour long shower and use all my hot water. I can leave my ridiculously long hair down and there is no one to complain about my hair being everywhere.

(But I can complain about the damn animal hair everywhere. Good Lord you'd think my dog sheds her entire fur coat, and then regrows another with how much fur my vacuum pulls up after just two days.)

I am single, and alone, but I am not lonely.

The difference is that I am unafraid to be seen doing things that couples do, by myself.

I'm not scared to go to a restaurant and eat at a table for two by myself. I enjoy people watching.

I'm more than happy to go see a movie by myself. It doesn't bother me. (Sometimes it bothers my mother because I go see a movie by myself that she wanted to see as well and she gets frustrated with me. XD )

It's not that I want to be alone my entire life, but I haven't met the right person yet. I've got plenty of great examples of relationships that last and are wonderful.

My parents celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary this year. My brother & sister have been together now for over six years. One set of my grandparents celebrated their fourth anniversary. (Being honest They are one of my favorites even though I don't see them near often enough)

I have so many great examples of relationships. I've also had some great examples of bad/ unhealthy ones.

I've known for a long time, that when I finally find the one for me, that's it. Once I say "I do" That's going to be my life, and I will do my best to make it work. I know marriage isn't easy, and relationships take work. I honestly can't wait to find the one who becomes my person, because then they will be there for me for the rest of my life, just like I will be there for theirs.

But I'm also not someone who's going to around hopping into bed with different people trying to find that person for me. That's not Love, it's Lust. And while yes, it is important to have good chemistry. I also want a man who can make me laugh. Who understands that some days I just want to sit in silence, or be hugged because my demons are battering me terribly harsh today, and words don't help.

I want someone who texts/calls and says good morning. Who calls me pet names, and knows my family. Someone who can bullshit with my brother, and can handle fishing with my dad. Someone who my mom likes as well, and someone who isn't afraid of strong women, because Lord knows, there are plenty in my family.

Someone who understands that I'm not a huge talker, and can sit in silence with a book or music and just be peaceful, but someone who can also draw me out of my shell and who can get me to do things I've never done.

(Roller coasters that flip or travel upside down are not happening though, because I can't handle those.)

Someone who sees all of my books, and doesn't say that I don't need to buy more, but reminds me that two of the three I've picked I already own. Someone who understands that I don't feel the need to constantly wake up two hours early to put makeup on and do fancy stuff with my hair, but when I do is properly amazed. I need someone who is willing to put up with my flaws, and my quirks and loves me anyway.

Eventually, I'll find this person, but I'm happy being alone right now. I'm only 23, I've got a life to live, and places to see. Plenty of people to meet too. Lots of things to discover for myself, and with my family and friends too. Plenty of experiences to have first also.

I'm happy getting up by myself, taking a shower that uses all the hot water, listening to music and greeting the sun with a glass of juice. I'm happy walking my dog and laughing at her silliness. I enjoy sitting and listening to my cat purr. I also enjoy eating pizza for breakfast, and breakfast for supper. I enjoy staying up all night and reading when I'm off work. I enjoy spending time with my family, and time by myself.

I don't feel the need to have someone with me right now, at this stage in my life.

But who knows. Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and want to drag me off into the sunset.

Shoot, who am I kidding. My Prince Charming is probably stuck up a tree, or lost somewhere.

I'll stumble upon him eventually. In the meantime,

I've got a dog to take potty, season one of Game of Thrones to watch, a story to write, an entire serving of pizza to eat, and a glass to fill back up with juice.

I think I'll be just fine.
-Jacq

Someday....

Hey Folks!

For a long time, I've been one of those "Someday" people. You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones who stare at something with that longing look on their face, and yet no matter how much you can tell they want whatever they are staring at, you still watch them walk away from it.

I've walked away from a lot of stuff that I Someday'd in my head.

Some of it, was because it wasn't something I needed, just something that I wanted.

Others, are because I didn't have the time for it, or was too insecure and afraid to go after it.

Strange right? I'm one of those girls who's used the phrase "more to love" when describing myself. And yeah, I am more to love, but that "more" isn't always healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I love myself the way I am. Quirks, Insanity, Insecurity, Flaws, Stubbornness, and all. I even like my size.

But today, while pinning one of the best outfits I have seen put together, which was a pair of long fit jeans, a white undershirt, and a lovely dark green wrap-around styling sweater with some pretty shoes and accessories, I thought again all wistful like, "Someday" and sighed. It's not something I can afford, and it wouldn't actually look good on me right now. As I closed out that tab I  realized something.

Something important.

I realized, that if I keep waiting and hoping for that "Someday" it is never going to come. I have to start now, in order to even maybe reach that Someday that I dream of. I know that realistically it's not going to happen overnight, but if I work on it, and work towards a goal, that Someday can come sooner than I think.

I'm not naive, I know it will take quite a bit of hard work, but it's hard work that I am willing to do. I need something to change in my life, because this last year hasn't been a good one, and I need 2017 to be much better than 2016.

Because honestly, 2016? It has been an awful year. Sure at the beginning I got a promotion which came with a bit of a raise, but also with only one day off, and too many hours at work with no time to relax or reconnect with myself. Towards the middle? I had lost my job of almost three years, and had fallen into a pit of depression that was so deep I couldn't see the light at the top, and resulted in me curling up into a ball and spending most of my time numb and laying in the darkness.

Both literally and mentally.

But closer to the end has found me with a new job, and sure it isn't my dream job, but it is paying the bills and is a way for me to get back on track with my life. It has resulted in what I laughingly call the "starvation diet". Which isn't really a laughing matter, but when money is tight and it goes towards bills first, and then if any is left over it goes towards food, well you make things stretch.

I am very lucky though. My parents have been buying me some groceries, which is very helpful, but I guess sometimes my pride gets in the way of me asking for a lot. I don't want to be a burden on them. (Guess and sometimes really should be know and always.....)

Family is extraordinarily helpful and encouraging. But I know I need to get off that Someday and start making it into my Now. Because how else am I to get that Someday?

That Someday is a job that is a career. It is a family, a house, a debt-free life. Because right now, I've got a job, two fur babies (dog and cat), a one bedroom apartment, and a whole lot of debt that I'm working on.

It's my life, and I do love it, but as Cinderella sings "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep," and my dreams are as big as the Texas sky, and brighter than a Winter Sunrise, and take longer than a Summer Sunset.

But I know with hard work, and a good attitude I can get there. I just have to find my motivation and remember my goals.

Happy Holidays Ya'll
Jacq

Procrastinators unite! (Meeting has been moved to next month)

So, as most of my family and really close friends know, I tend to procrastinate.......a lot.

Like a lot, a lot.

As in if there's something I know I should be doing, and countless people have told me to do, I do something else that I have put off for months instead.

That's my kind of procrastination.

Like right now I should be either cleaning my kitchen, or cleaning my bathroom. (I haven't put these off for months, I just don't really want to do either right now.)

Instead not only am I blogging, I am listening to the multitude of videos that are from people I follow on Youtube. Currently I'm on the TED Talks videos. It's how I found the following gem.

This man, my lovely wonderful people, is Tim Urban. And he has an amazing TED Talk. He speaks of procrastination! 

Hence the title of this blog! 

I feel this video, so much! Almost more than the depression one I posted what feels like forever ago.  I say almost, because I have many more feels about that video, and this one really just makes me go "OHMYGOSH THAT DESCRIBES ME SO MUCH!"

What can I say? I do some of my best work when I have something due really soon. 

It doesn't work quite so well when it comes to things besides projects, and papers. Yet I still procrastinate on a lot of stuff. Like the box of mail that I have that I need to go through and open and stick in it's appropriate place. (Trash, File, Shred. You know what I'm speaking of!)

It also doesn't work when you're unemployed. Which sucks, but that's life.

If I only knew what I really wanted to do with my life. I would love to be an editor of some sort, but the only place that is local is a place where you really need to have some connections to get in, and being that I fall more on the blunt end of honesty when it comes to people, I don't really have those needed connections. 

But as Tim Urban says, everyone procrastinates on something every day. 

I just feel like I choose to procrastinate on the wrong things. 

Which is not good.

I'm working on it slowly. 

Snail pace, turtle crossing the road, making my families oldest dog Emma get up and go potty in the winter time, slow. 

Like waking up in the morning, and getting out of bed slow. (Trust me, for me this is slow! I am not a quick waking person!) 

Sometimes I fail, and sometimes I succeed. On occasion it depends on the day of the week as to if I succeed or fail. 

The TED Talk I'm listening just used the word Audacious. It makes me think of my high school English class when we went over SAT words and my teacher said it like Aw-day-shus Bold or daring!  Now every time I hear the word audacious that's what I think of, and I laugh every single time.

I wish I was more audacious, but in order to be so, one must first try to be so. 

It's easy to say something, but not quite so easy to change words into actions.

-Jacq

Life is........ Difficult

Writing down things, makes it seem so much more real. I mean it has been real to me for the last two and a half, almost three, months, but putting it down on paper (or the internet) just makes it seem much more real.

I am 22 years old, and unemployed.

That's right. You read correctly.

I feel as if right now that is the biggest word that describes me.

Unemployed

It seems like a dirty word in my mind. Like when I was a young child, and said a curse word and my mother, darling woman that she is, smacked my bottom and washed my mouth out with either Dove soap (nasty!) or Dawn dish soap (nasty as well!) for saying such a word. Thus any bad word said around my mother was very instantly a "banned word".

If you ask my father, as I aged, that became a very long list of words too.

But I have been without a job for almost three months, and it has been the most nerve-wracking, worrisome, anxiety-ridden three months of my life.

It has also been some of the most peaceful.

See I hadn't realized just how stressed out my job had made me. I had devoted so much of my time to it, that I had lost sight of the things I loved to do. Things such as reading books, crafting, playing with my dog, cooking actual food and trying new recipes at the same time, and above all seeing my family.

I hadn't spent a lot of time with my mother doing anything together with her (my mother is my best friend! Right up there with my BFFSFAM who is in Oregon!) and we absolutely love to do things together, but I worked every weekend, and was only getting one day off.

Let me just say, I was stressed enough that I was losing hair, and when I finally was home I maybe read a few pages, and then passed out until I had to get up and get ready for the next shift. I went to work tired, I went to bed tired, and I was becoming soul tired.

Which for anybody who has ever done any kind of customer service job, knows is not a good thing at all.

I began to fall into a pool of depression, and I was drowning in it with no sign of a life preserver. I felt alone, and as if I couldn't reach out to anyone, because I was so far under. I reached rock bottom when at one point I thought how much better it would be if I wasn't here.

I didn't mean here as in my job, but here as in alive on this planet anymore.

I scared myself with that thought. I haven't thought about suicide since I was in middle school, and my life became entirely rearranged due to a fire. Shortly around that time though I lost a friend to suicide, and realized upon seeing all of her family, and knowing how I felt about it, that suicide was not something I could put any of my loved ones through.

This time, once again, I had recently lost a dear friend to death. He had been so full of life, laughter, and wisdom, and then he was just gone. It was a blow to my heart.

I still know that suicide is not something I can ever do to my family and my loved ones, so to have that thought, brought home to me the knowledge that I needed to change something.

Being the stubborn Taurus woman that I am though, I hung on for a few more months, when I should have changed things right then.

Yes, yes, yes mother. I know I should have listened to you the first time you told me. For those who haven't yet realized, my mother is super wise on a lot of things, but I quite often, being myself, listen but sometimes do not comprehend and even if I do I don't follow her advice.

How does that Alice in Wonderland song go? I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.

Yup. That's me in a nutshell. I have some great instincts, but I don't often listen to them. I listen to them even less than I listen to my mother's advice.

That is to say, I listen to my mother, more than I listen to my gut feelings.

Which is not good at all. Not good at all indeed. Or to paraphrase/quote the amazing John Watson "A bit not good."

I still have that gut-wrenching anxiety because of bills that are piling up with my unemployment, and even though I am trying to find a job, even I can tell I am not putting my 110% effort into it.  I've put in so many applications and only gotten one call for an interview that I'm starting to think, didn't really go as well as I thought it did.

I do have a great network of support, but even with that network I'm beginning to think I'm failing at this adult thing.

I guess I can only hope that I'm not the first to feel that way, and I definitely don't think I'll be the last.

Have a wonderful day/night/evening/morning/week.
-Jacq

Malukah - I Follow the Moon

I really love Malukah. I first stumbled across her via another person I adore from Youtube Peter Hollens. They sang Baba Yetu together, and I absolutely fell in love with her! She's amazing, and this song in particular really speaks to me. It's been a hard year, and this just reminds me that even though it looks like I'm stuck in a bad time, just like the moon my life will once again be full of happiness and contentment. It just might take a bit of time.



-Jacq



P.S. Check out both Malukah and Peter Hollens on Youtube. You will  not regret it I promise!

Hi Ya'll!

It's been a while.

Mostly because I got a work promotion. To Front Desk Manager. It's a promotion that comes with a lot of work, and a lot of bull to shovel. Not to mention the back up from the fact that the previous manager stopped caring a long while ago about doing all that the job entails.

Suffice to say, it's been a long trail to hike and at times, a trial. I'm still trying to weather the storm with grace, but on occasion I just want to pull my hair out because they frustrate me.

By they, I mean my clerks. Who can't seem to do their job right, and I just don't know how to convince them to care at all. Well, for more than their jobs anyway.

Most days I love interacting with people, yeah sometimes people can act like they are super entitled, and know all about your job, when really there's not a whole heck of a lot one can do about somethings.

What most don't seem to realize is that there is a lot more that goes into making a hotel work, than just being able to give them keys to a room.

So much has to be running smoothly before one can do what one needs to do.

I can say that the promotion comes with a few perks. A pay increase, not huge compared to the hours that I work now, but a bit more.

I also get to see people do a complete 180 when they ask to speak to a manager and I introduce myself as the Front Desk Manager. The look on their faces as they attempt to back track and not seem like such a jerk face. It's hilarious really.

Aaaaannnnd, I'm more than a little twisted for feeling that way, but it's okay. I've known for a long time that I have a twisted sense of humor. I come by it honestly. As in from my mother.

I also have an increased sass level with my promotion. It sort of has to be that way so I can deal with the people who feel so entitled that they get to belittle my clerks. Um sorry, but no. You are welcome to go somewhere else if you wish to be a jerk face to my peeps.

ugh. Sometimes people just make me flip out. People can just be jerks.

Anyway, ya'll have a blessed Spring.
-Jacq

Really

This week was going by so fast, and then the day before I go on vacation it's going by so very slow!

Seriously? There is absolutely no reason for me to even be at work today! We have less than 40 arrivals, and less than 30 departures. Why am I here?

I have no clue.

But I'm gettin' real tired of this shit. I was taken off Night Audit so there would be someone who knows the system on Evening shift, and told that I am a supervisor, but when I let someone know that they just need to hang on to something until the next shift gets here, suddenly I'm accused of being bossy!

Which is so frustrating! She jumped down my throat first, like WTH bitch?!?!?!? F You! And she had the gall to be all grumpy about it to the manager of the desk, and then post shit about it on FaceBook. Not even talking about it to my face! Really? Before I even asked her anything I had set it by her, and her instant response was "I'm not staying while she counts the banks" 

Like WTF bitch. I know ok. We've already had this convo.  I know & Understand that you aren't staying for that, I just need you to hang on to it until the Auditor gets here. She was the one who was all bossy and bitchy! I never took even the slightest tone with her besides non-confrontational. It's not my fault that one of the morning shift became sick, called me, and I had to come in because no one else was answering their damn phones.

And you think you'll do better in sales?

You do realize that the Desk sends a lot of calls to sales, and you for sure as hell are not going to be someone I pick to send the calls to, ever. Even if you are the only one still here, that shit ain't happening. 

Anyway. Away from the ranting about incompetent Desk Clerks.

I'm going to Oregon tomorrow to see my BFFSFAM and my little Beastie. :) I'm very excited. It'll be the first time I get on a plane, and when I finally land in Oregon, it will be the first time I've seen the little Beastie that is my God Daughter. I'm very thrilled. I still need to pack and pay my rent for the month though. Almost everything else is done. I do still have some cleaning to do, and I don't get off work until 7pm, although I am going to see if I can skedaddle earlier, so I can also get enough sleep to be safe driving around at 4 am in the morning.

To my BFFSFAM, I will see you at 3 pm tomorrow afternoon. :D

To my Mom & Sister-In-Love: Thanks for driving me to Dallas & for picking me up too. :-)

To Mom: Thanks for taking care of my dog & cat while I'm away. :-)

To Dad: Thanks for watching my dog & taking a look at my truck while I'm gone.

And to all my readers (not that I have a whole lot of you) I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, and the next update shall be from the plane!

-Jacq